Monday, August 24, 2015

Depression .. The war you win or die trying

This has been a long time coming because, frankly I don't talk to many people about this. But depression and anxiety are real diseases and the stigma is still there for some uneducated people. So a peek into my life and how depression plays its nasty role.

 Staring at myself in the mirror I look like I partied way too hard this weekend and am still hung over Monday morning. Truth is I never party. I just don't sleep. Partly because of my anxiety and depression and partly because my kids never stay in their own bed and wake up at 5am every morning. So no sleep just exacerbates my already annoying issues. 
 Depression is a nasty illness . It's not something you can physically see and trying to find the right medication regiment for you can take forever. My doctor and I are still trying to find one that works with my chemically imbalanced brain. Some people aren't aware of the fact that the brain is indeed an organ. Whoda thunk right?!  Sometimes organs don't function correctly. Just like a diabetic takes insulin, I have to take anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. 
 Some days it's good some days it's bad. You can never tell when you'll have a "sick day" as I like to call it. It took me until 2 pm to get myself together enough to go to the store Saturday. Partly because I had too much anxiety to walk into a store and partly because my depression felt like a heavy blanket I just didn't know how to get off. 
 My kids are challenging but great. When they are challenging and I'm have a "sick day" , the problems just seem 100x worse than they really are. Life just becomes too much and too hard to do. To someone looking in, it's simple tasks and simple solutions for my extra rambunctious children and life problems. What really gets me is the "tomorrow will be better ". No actually I don't know if it will be because you can't predict depression and anxiety . 
 People who have this disease have become perfectionist in the area of "putting on your face". You would never know I was having a sick day because I know how to fake smile and pretend I don't feel like life is unbearable. Fake it till ya make it right ? The only time I don't put my face on is at home when I can't get out of bed and that heavy blanket just won't come off. There could be nothing going on to cause it, because nothing has to go wrong for your chemicals in your brain to go haywire.  The pain is so real yet you can't physically feel it. It's so hard to help someone understand the chaos that goes on inside. 
 So when you know a friend or loved one who deals with this illness , be there for them. Don't be insensitive and say "it will pass", " life will get better" "happiness is a choice " or any other cliche, you wouldn't  say to someone with another chronic illness such as cancer. 
 We don't choose to be this way, this is just how our brain functions and sometimes it's our worst enemy. Sometimes life becomes so unbearable and there is no way it can get better. It has nothing to do with the situation , but everything on how our brains have us perceive it at that moment. When someone commits suicide and everyone is shocked because their life didn't seem that bad from the outside , you don't know how their brain was having them see their life at that moment . 
 If someone you love suffers from this illness, check on them every once in a while to see how they are doing. It's part of our life . It's not going away and it is a real illness.