Depression .. The war you win or die trying

This has been a long time coming because, frankly I don't talk to many people about this. But depression and anxiety are real diseases and the stigma is still there for some uneducated people. So a peek into my life and how depression plays its nasty role.

 Staring at myself in the mirror I look like I partied way too hard this weekend and am still hung over Monday morning. Truth is I never party. I just don't sleep. Partly because of my anxiety and depression and partly because my kids never stay in their own bed and wake up at 5am every morning. So no sleep just exacerbates my already annoying issues. 

 Depression is a nasty illness . It's not something you can physically see and trying to find the right medication regiment for you can take forever. My doctor and I are still trying to find one that works with my chemically imbalanced brain. Some people aren't aware of the fact that the brain is indeed an organ. Whoda thunk right?!  Sometimes organs don't function correctly. Just like a diabetic takes insulin, I have to take anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. 

 Some days it's good some days it's bad. You can never tell when you'll have a "sick day" as I like to call it. It took me until 2 pm to get myself together enough to go to the store Saturday. Partly because I had too much anxiety to walk into a store and partly because my depression felt like a heavy blanket I just didn't know how to get off. 

 My kids are challenging but great. When they are challenging and I'm have a "sick day" , the problems just seem 100x worse than they really are. Life just becomes too much and too hard to do. To someone looking in, it's simple tasks and simple solutions for my extra rambunctious children and life problems. What really gets me is the "tomorrow will be better ". No actually I don't know if it will be because you can't predict depression and anxiety . 

 People who have this disease have become perfectionist in the area of "putting on your face". You would never know I was having a sick day because I know how to fake smile and pretend I don't feel like life is unbearable. Fake it till ya make it right ? The only time I don't put my face on is at home when I can't get out of bed and that heavy blanket just won't come off. There could be nothing going on to cause it, because nothing has to go wrong for your chemicals in your brain to go haywire.  The pain is so real yet you can't physically feel it. It's so hard to help someone understand the chaos that goes on inside. 

 So when you know a friend or loved one who deals with this illness , be there for them. Don't be insensitive and say "it will pass", " life will get better" "happiness is a choice " or any other cliche, you wouldn't  say to someone with another chronic illness such as cancer. 

 We don't choose to be this way, this is just how our brain functions and sometimes it's our worst enemy. Sometimes life becomes so unbearable and there is no way it can get better. It has nothing to do with the situation , but everything on how our brains have us perceive it at that moment. When someone commits suicide and everyone is shocked because their life didn't seem that bad from the outside , you don't know how their brain was having them see their life at that moment . 

 If someone you love suffers from this illness, check on them every once in a while to see how they are doing. It's part of our life . It's not going away and it is a real illness. 

Night and day it's Cinderellie

    Most of my life I've been able to relate to the Disney princess Cinderella . From the time I can remember , I was abused and childhood robbed from me on several occasions. I cared for my younger siblings as if they were my own from the age of 14 to this day. Cleaned, cooked, took care of the home and was taken advantage of. Much like Cinderella in her early years .

 Then there was a glimmer of hope. Hope to have my own life. A life filled with happiness and love. I got an invitation to a royal ball.. I met my boy's father. I got dressed for the ball. Married and had two beautiful boys .

  Then life (AKA evil step sisters) started ripping apart my gown in a ferocious way. My gown I worked so hard to keep together . Every rip and every tear of fabric , was a part of what I loved and held dear to my heart. Just torn away. A man I loved , never loved me . A house full of memories , being sold . Friends I loved , gone . The list goes on , too personal and private to reveal. But as I sit here, I'm trying to hold on to the little bit of material that still clings to my broken heart . Hoping one day my fairy godmother comes and makes me a beautiful gown and I'll get to go to the ball . I'll meet my Prince and he will love me for me. 

 So until then .. I sit in the garden crying at how cruel life has been. Holding on to the shreds of fabric to cover my naked soul.

The dirty 30

   So on the eve of my 30th birthday I have taken some time to reflect on the past 29 years of my life. Quite frankly I am surprised I'm still alive. I'm not even kidding. I had an abusive father, battled anorexia , depression and anxiety. The depression has taken over so bad in the past I've been suicidal. I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I feel I have a better handle on it than I have before. I've loved hard and lost. I have the best boys that God handcrafted just for me to mother. They are literally my saving grace. My love for them gets me through. I am determined that these next 30 years will be less of a struggle the previous ones were. I'm determined to be more carefree and enjoy life. I've never fully enjoyed it before . I feel I've squandered so much time and time is something none of us get back. I've lived longer than others and I do consider myself blessed, but now I am going to start making the most of my time here. Here's to the next 30!

Happy Birthday my bundle of Laughter

So there is something about your child turning 5 years old that just breaks your heart.{ In a good way if that possible} They are a "kid" now. Not a baby , not a toddler... a full blown kid. My Isaac 5 years ago gave me the best gift ever. Being a mom. His name means laughter and boy have I laughed these past 5 years. Sometimes I laughed because the only other option was to cry. Nonetheless. He makes me laugh and brings joy to all those around him. I believe that a child's birthing process tells you a lot about their life and what is to come. Isaac took his time. He was very patient and not in a hurry. That is my little boy to this day. Takes his time and is very methodical about a lot of things. I love it. Not when we are rushing out of the door, but even then I need to remind myself life goes too fast and I need to take a minute to smell the flowers. Flowers. My son knows I love them and every chance he gets, whether they belong to a business' lawn or the dandelion out back, he bring me flowers. He makes sure he hugs me everyday , tells me I'm beautiful, and kisses my cheek. He is the sweetest thing I have ever had in my life.
 He LOVES Red Lobster. So we went out for his birthday dinner, since he already had his party on Sunday. As I sat there watching him eat his ice cream { as only creepy mothers can } I started to tear up. My baby was in my arms 5 years ago in a little 9.5 lb bundle of perfection. I savor these moments and hope they don't go buy too quickly. I love you my sweet Isaac . Happy Birthday!

Staining Concrete Floor Tutorial

So I have been planning on redoing my kitchen and dining room floor for a while. As we all know, replacing floors is not cheap. I had a cheap ugly laminate floor that had lost all of its luster and shine. So one day I got sick of looking at it and started to google and pinterest cheap ways to redo floors. I came across concrete staining . Seemed pretty easy and cheap. So I embarked on a very easy journey.
 First I removed all the molding and quarter round. You are going to want to be careful with the molding, unless you are going to buy new ones. I was looking for cheap, so I saved the molding. Ripped up the laminate with a hammer { very stress relieving}. I do recommend Gloves. My hands are pretty tore up.

Once that was done I vacuumed with a shop vac all the dust and dirt. I then mixed Washing soda , borax , and a little of dish soap in a bucket.

I then just poured the whole bucket onto the concrete and began scrubbing with a steel wool sponge.

You can use heavy duty machinery , but didn't want to spend the money to rent one, plus the sponge got into the corners and got the paint spots up pretty easy. Once it was scrubbed ( I recommend knee pads) I vacuumed it up with the wet vac. Then went over with a scraper to make sure there wasn't any major bumps.

Some people use concrete filler to get a completely smooth look for divots , but I didn't care that much. So I didn't .If you do be sure to read the instructions.

I washed the floor again with just dish soap and went over it again with the wet vac.

After it dried I applied my first coat of stain. I bought it at Lowes and needed about one can mixed for both my kitchen and dining area. They have several colors to choose from . I went dark.

 

I went with semi transparent in case I liked the look of the first coat. I didn't. I applied it with a paint roller and you could see everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So when it dried I hand brushed painted another coat mixed with some old paint I had.

I swiped some down in a half circle motion then went over it with the stain to blend it in. I was much happier with this result.

After about 2 hours it was dry and I went over it with a wet look sealer. Let it dry for 2 hours and went over it again with another coat.

I put a third coat on the next morning to make sure it was sealed cause I am that person. It is now pretty and dry but will not put anything heavy on it like chairs or table until it has cured for 3 days. I am able to walk on it and everything but want to make sure it cures right.

Maintenance is simple. Sweeping and mopping. No harsh cleaners for mopping . Dish soap and warm water. Hope you enjoy your project as much as I .

 

 

For the First time in Forever

When I was younger I never really experienced or was taught the meaning of  " true love" . So as I grew into my teens and early 20's I was Anna to a tee. I wanted that feeling of unconditional love. I didn't let God lead me to a person who would truly love me for me. I was in relationships for only what the other party could get out of it. Only for what I could give. So I sought and sought and eventually got married . I was married too young. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be loved. I had no clue about love , relationships or marriage. Just like Anna. She just didn't want to be alone or shut out. I was shut out of so many people's lives that were close to me and were suppose to love me.
So on my wedding day , I probably would've danced down th ailse to,
 " For the first time in for forever
There'll be music, there'll be light
For the first time in forever
I'll be dancing through the night

Don't know if I'm elated or gassy
But I'm somewhere in that zone
Cause for the first time in forever
I won't be alone"

I went through my married life not knowing love til my babies were born. I finally knew what unconditiional love for another felt like and it wasnt from my then spouse. 

Long story short I am in the same position I was in when I was younger , but with more knowledge. Hindsight is always 20/20. I now know what true love is and feels like.

Love is more than infatuation or warm fuzzies. That soon fades.
“Love,” Olaf says, “is putting someone else’s needs before your own." I believe in love at first sight, ( if you know what love truly is) because you instantaneously want to put your partners needs before your own. Doesn't happen for everyone, but it does happen.

I never want to be like the old Anna again and won't be because I have God to fill me with love and my children who bless me everyday with their love , however crazy they may be. Sometimes I do hear that small evil voice say, " your just desperate for love" and I have to turn my mindset around and say, " I know what I want and will not settle til it comes my way. And my life is filled with love, with or without a partner to share it with"

My Baby

I thought my first blog of the year would be most appropriate to dote on my baby and his birthday.

 So 3 years ago this morning I was laying half paralyzed in a hospital bed due to to a botched epidural , vigorous massages of my uterus, peeing in a bed pan, having my blood drawn what felt like every 10 min and down bellows checked every 5 minutes since I was hemorrhaging. None of that matter because my heart was growing more than I could ever imagine and I was in such euphoria (or doped up.. same difference :) }. My second baby boy was born happy and healthy. That is all that was important to me.God saw fit to choose me to be his mother. To me that is such a great honor that will never take for granted or squander as so many women do. He slept in my arms, just looking as perfect as every mother thinks when her baby is born. ( Mom's see perfection ...alien faced or not. :P ) My heart filled with love.... again.

  Over the past 3 years it has seemed like a whirlwind of up and downs just as babies and toddlers should emanate from their tiny souls. The first year with a 2 year old and new born was by far the hardest year and a very big blur. Thank God the photographer in me took WAY to many pictures so I can remember those still life moments how small he was and the giggles and smile he gave during the first 3 years. How he and Isaac bonded so quickly.
 Now he is definitely growing into his own personality and is feisty, strong willed and , for lack of better words, a NUT JOB! lol. He keeps me on my toes and is the best maniac I could ever ask for. He's sweet, tells me I'm beautiful, his kisses are perfection and his hugs make every hurt and bad thing go away.

  My children have never been introduced to Chuckie Cheese. Call it what you will. I was not prepared to open Pandora's box of " I wanna go i wanna go!!! " every time we passed it. Some call it cruel. I call it smart. So for his " real first party" I decided to keep it small and and have it where the creepy mouse resides. He LOVED it! Nothing makes me happier than seeing him and his brother running around like mad men collecting tickets! Everything went smoothly and BEST of all I had to provide no entertainment for the kids (creepy mouse took care of that along with germ ridden games) or clean up (which the party host took care of)! It was the shiz. I was so happy I got to make my baby smile . He deserves all the happiness in the world!!!
 I love you Benjamin Andrew Dunham! You have my heart along with your brother and I pray, with God's help, you continue to be strong and loving and life will never get you down!!!

Love your Mami always and forever!

#theblueeyesthatsaveme