Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Only the bad not the good.

     In every situation in life you only hear the bad , not the good. How horrible breastfeeding is, how terrible birth without drugs can be, and the list goes on. Well I am here to tell you the good instead of the bad at the end of a holy matrimony.A lot of people don't understand the relationship between my ex and I. Quite frankly it's nobody's business, but for the sake of exploiting good over bad , I will make it your business.

We were together for 7 years and in that time my partner and I grew close and many things tore us apart. He deciding we were better apart then together, was not an easy pill to swallow and quite frankly a very painful one. The most emotionally painful process I have ever gone through. Something inside you dies and you grieve. The grieving process sucks. You get through it though. It is cliché but true, " What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I hate it but it is the God's honest truth. I moved away to get out of the area and start over and for a while it worked, but I love my kids more than anything in the world and they love their father, so I moved back for them. Everything I do is for them.Co parenting is no easy feat. It has taken about a year and a few months to get to the point where we are friends. We still argue but fortunately agree on a lot of co parenting issues.

  Recently he suffered from a seizure and incapacitating back pain. So as a friend I was there for him. Food shopped for him, cleaned his house, helped take care of the boys so he could see them and they could spend time with him. Why you ask. Because there is no reason to be hateful or ugly to someone whom you are trying to have a amicable relationship with. You never know who you will need when you are down. I would do that for any of my friends but especially the father of my children because I love my boys and I want them to see that even their father and I are not together any more , we are still friends and can still love them together.

 The main point of this blog is to give hope to all women and men out there that it is possible. Yes we disagree , yes we will have issues. But if you work hard at it and both parties are willing, co parenting can be a beautiful thing. Life is too short to be mean and hateful. Especially if there are children involved because children mimic everything you do. You hate , they will hate. You love , they will love. You speak ill, they will speak ill. Even though the marriage has ended , it's still til death do we part because of our sweet boys.

 Remember the good. Not the bad.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Divine Appointment

 Today I had an experience that I have longed for most of my life. A beyond a shadow of a doubt God exists. I got that today.

 A little background . I grew up in a pentacostal church that was filled with rules and regulations. Me being me , I like to push those rules to the limit . I was a kid . Who didn't push the rules . For some reason or another my brother and I were treated in the worst possible way any"Christian" should treat children. He got the worst of it in the private elementary school while my punishments came in highschool and early adult hood. The rumors , the lies, the accusations . All because I was being sociable me and it didn't fit into their squares they had appointed all of their soldiers.  Girls were to socialize with girls and boys with boys. Period. Well if you've known me for any period of time , I'm quite the social butterfly . Or Jezebel as some would say.
 Fast forward a few years I became fond of one of the fellas at church who was on the "in" crowd, but was different than them. We actually dated in secret for 2 years so a shit storm wouldn't start . After that I'd had it . It was let's go public or we are done. His mom was the main source of out secrecy . She would probably shove bamboo shoots up her finger nails than have her baby boy date "Jezebel".  Well she asked what he wanted for his birthday one year and he said for me to be welcome to their Sunday family dinners. She begrudgingly obliged and that's when the rumors and ugliness reached their full potential . It was a hard year and called it quits.
 Ever since dealing with that woman and every other person who followed her , I've hated that church and all the people in it. All hypocrites with the exception of a few who ended up leaving anyway.
It has made me second guess myself for years , made me self conscious and felt not good enough for any church since . I've always known God loved me but he was there but not . Until today.

 I have been wavering in my faith with people tellin me how the timeline of the bible isn't right and this that and the next thing , coupled with a looming divorce and single parent life .  I finally said enough is enough and after not going to church for illnesses  ,and other things , I made it a point to go to church today.
 My church has 4 service times . I chose the first . 8:30
MB has  about 1,000 churches in the MB alone. I chose new spring since I moved to SC cause I love my church .
 Made it not only on time BUT early with both toddlers in tow.
 I drop my kids off at kids spring and walk down the hall and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.
 There stands the woman who made my life a living hell for years . The mother of my ex boyfriend .
My brain goes into crazy banchie mode...
 "What the fu; is she doing here!???)"(yes I'm a Christian  yes I curse in my head sue me)
" My safe haven has been infiltrated by evil that can never be undone "
By the time wrap my brain around the fact she is standing in MY church MY SAFEZONE I'm at the distance where I can slink away and she would be non the wiser, or put my big girl panties on and give her a big southern hello "
 •1 I've hidden from these "people" for far too long. Hoping when I go out to the mall in NY I see none of them
•2 I've been in the south too long for me to be rude. Point blank southerners are nicer.

So  with all the strength I could muster I walk up and get her attention. You would have thought she'd seen a ghost . It was great!  😝 She asked if I lived there , I happily told her I did and that was my church. She asked about my kids and introduced me to her daughter in law and grand kids . I hugged them all with a genuine smile on my face. (You're in my territory now !!) lol. She said they were visiting someone on vacation and decided to go there for church. ( of ALL THE PLACES.. Right!!! )

 So I wished them well on their vacation and told them to enjoy the service..

As I walked down the hall to the auditorium this is what took place in my head.
" very funny God. What the hell was that?! Some kind of sick joke !!?  I'm not laughing . I'm actually very upset . Not cool . Not cool.. there better be a purpose behind this nonsense " ( ya I talk to God for real. Not oh father who art in heaven. No. WTF God!! Call it what you will. He still loves me and I'm about to tell you why.

    I sit in the front so I don't have to see them and try and get into worship , but all I can think is that they are judging my every move , every hand raise every hand Clap ever bow of the head ,"
 I said , " God this is why I won't go back to NY. I can't take the judgement ".

Pastor Perry gets on the screen and talks about 3 areas in out lives we may be having a hard time with.
• Frustration
• confusion
• Accusation
The last one peeked my interest , so I focused in hard on that one.
The verse he referred to was Hebrews 12:1-3.
".... Run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
Well I can't run it weighed down by my past and until I let it go I will be weighed down and unable to continue to the path God has set out before me.
 What I did or did not do in my past what or how I was judged has been weighing on me no matter where I go or what I do. Pastor P said ," it may be a situation that keeps reminding you of your past or a PERSON YOU SEE".
 By this point I'm like ok God! I get it!
What was said about me , what lies were spread about me is not who Iam . God isn't obsessed with my past so why should I ! He's obsessed with my future !
 Pastor P called for people to visit the care team for prayer if any of these point hit home and my heart was beating out of my chest. I jet out of that auditorium had a care member pray for me and I just felt 10 lbs lighter ! Like I was finally free from all the weight that had been placed on me in my past. And for me to have the woman (all the way from NY)who was at the root of most of it there , in that exact service is nothing but a divine appointment . I don't care if she heard any bit of it. It was all for me! I called my childhood friend , sister and mom to rave about this because they saw it all and went through it all with me. I'm just so happy and so free. Not to say there aren't many other things in my life I need to overcome and let go, but this was a big one.
God is turning my accusations into affirmations!

Today was the day my past stopped beating me up!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014


A dream is a wish your heart makes
   When you're fast asleep
(Wish I was a daddy's or momma's girl)

       In dreams you lose your heartaches
(Wish I didn't have clinical depression or anxiety)

 Whatever you wish for, you keep
(Wish my good friends would visit)

      Have faith in your dreams and someday
(Wish I didn't have to live paycheck to paycheck)

Your rainbow will come smiling thru
   (Wish I had more family support)

No matter how your heart is grieving
     (Wish I wasn't a single parent)

If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true......

Oh, that clock! Old killjoy. I hear you. Come on, get up, you say, Time to start another day. Even he orders me around. Well, there's one thing. They can't order me to stop dreaming.



Monday, June 16, 2014

The Big D

  I haven blogged in a bit due to being busy and struggling whether or no to write about this subject.
Divorce, more so my story and view on it. In recent situations I feel like I have to write or I'll explode and just air ALL the dirty laundry, which i am trying not to do. I have also had an overwhelming response to what I have already written and how i "get through".So very very tactfully I will write.

I feel when you say " I do" , it's suppose to be forever. In sickness and in health. Til death do you part. Most people think this means physical death. In my situation, it was the death of something else. My marriage. Therefore when someone or something dies, you have to go through a grieving process. In divorce a piece that made you is now dying or dead. An open wound that needs healing. This healing for me is taking a VERY long time. Almost a year now and still not done. Situations keep arising that keep tearing open the wound and making it raw again. Go to's: Crying, Counseling, Rx medication, support system, and wine. Lots of wine!

  I was a product of divorce and NEVER wanted my children to be going through that. . It's so important to let myself go and feel every emotion. It's not wrong to be angry or sad. As long as I'm not there for years. But something that made a apart of me , has died. So grieving as stupid as it sounds is vital.

1. Denial and Isolation: This isn't really happening. Everything will be fine and we will get back together after some time apart. 

This is just a temporary response that brings us through the first wave of hurt.


2. Anger: Vulnerability is exposed and we feel we are unprepared for what's up ahead. So we start expressing our fear in anger. We resent the person for causing us pain or not getting their act together for their famly. We feel guilt for this anger, and this makes us even more angry.


3. Bargaining: Often trying to regain control

  • If only we had sought counseling sooner

  • If only I sought help for myself to make myself a better wife…

  • If only I had tried harder to make it work

Secretly, we may make a deal with God in an attempt to make it all better when in essence are postponing the inevitable. 

 4. Depression: feeling hopeless, like we can't do this on your own. Missing your other half, or feeling your not a good enough single parent.

5. Acceptance: Reaching this stage does not necessarily mean I have arrived by any means. It simply means I have accepted the wound is healed and is forever part of my body. It will never go away but it doesn't hurt anymore. Situations may arise that scratch at it (ex spouse remarries or starts dating) but all in all the wound will never be as deep as it once was.

  I believe God lead me to the hospital I work at to be my support system. I have never in my life worked with females who were so loving and supportive. I have a "work mom" and my supervisor has been amazing to me . I have it together on FB not because I'm fake , but because it's nobody's business . I also deleted ALOT of people I didn't want in my business should I post something I really needed to at the time. Truth of the matter is I have my weeks not days where I feel helpless and depressed, like I'm not a good enough mom, and I did a terrible thing by not trying harder. I pray (I am by no means a holy roller) try and read the bible , and stay as close to God as I can. It sounds cheesy but through all of it , I know he has lead me to right where I'm suppose to be. I also know deep in my heart I did everything I could to make it work.

  Almost a year later and I am toggling between depression and acceptance.Too many times people don't feel their emotions because the church says you shouldn't be angry or depressed.. Not so, you have to feel and process every emotion that floods you. Other wise you will be stuck and 10 yrs down the road realize you could have been better 10 years ago if you would have just started the healing process sooner. 

 I don't condone divorce, in fact I now know why it says in the Bible God hates divorce. Cause all the pain you go through He never wanted for you. If you are going to go through it through, be sure you go through right. I made 2 steps forward this past week and 1 step back. It's not the end of the world , just a constant learning process. Learning how to be a single parent, learning how to co parent, and learning to accept the things you cannot change.

God grant me serenity. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

62 Years

 Today I had a patient and his wife come in and they were ( as they say in the south ) "cuttin up" making me laugh and having such a great time. You could tell they were each others best friend. They didn't have to tell me they were married and in love. You could just tell. Turns out he is fighting cancer and he is " ready to be rid of it" as he said. We chatted a bit more about Veronica Lake and how my hair resembled hers today. As his wife left the drawing room she shouted back, " Be careful Veronica, he'll flirt with you!" Her husband and I laughed, and he whispered, " I would never...We have been married 62 years." I was in such awe. That's longer than some lifetimes. Not only that, but after all that time they could still have fun together. If there is one thing I want more than my children to stay healthy and happy, it's to find and grow old with my best friend. Not only that, but have fun doing it 62 years later.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Pool Catastrophe

So when I have a day off , like most people, I like to do things I enjoy or get stuff done around the house.
 According to the lovely secretary, at the office, the pool in our complex was due to open this past weekend. I look down from my balcony this morning, there is glistening clean water in the pool. It's a go. A pool day with me and my boys. I get the boys pumped for the pool, get our towels, floaties and WWE style wrestle sunblock on my pale babies and get an even amount of the same toys so there is no fighting. Got my sunglasses and two piece on ! We are READY!

 NOPE! Not really. We get  to the pool and the lovely sign on the gate says, " POOL CLOSED" . Surely this means we have arrived too early and they havent unlocked it yet. So we mosey on into the office a few feet away and ask the manager what time the pool opens. " Not until Memorial Day weekend"she proceeds to tell me. I say, " come again.." Apparently they need an inspection on the repairs made and the inspector is not available til the 24th. That's all good and great , but explain that to a 2 and 4 year old/ The 2 and 4 year old I had to coax, wrestle and bribe to put sunscreen on, explain to them that we weren't going swimming in the pool that was RIGHT THERE with the glistening clean water. You can't is the bottom line.
   Oh the joy that came next as we walked back to the house,and past the pool. I get kids should not get their way all the time, but when it's someone else's fault as to why they aren't getting their way, you can't help but understand that they just don't understand.
 So quick mommy mode brain went  into overdrive on how to get these kids happy and fast. They were SET on a pool. Luckily there are several complexes in the area that have pools and my friend Brent lives at one. So I shot him a quick text while he was at work, we went swimming and all was well with the world.
 Til we got home and it was cranky tantrum central. Another story for another day.
Thanks for saving the day Brent!!!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Freshman Lil Lady

So being the "great" mom that I am , I put on "pongo" AKA 101 Dalmatians on for the boys so I could blog real quick LOL...  NO judging!!

 What some of you don't know is I've raised my sister the past 5 years. It is a weird relationship most don't get , between her and I. Mom first, Sister second , friend last , but all rolled into one. So her nickname has become " the lil lady" .
  Any who... She just finished her freshman year of college and busted her butt all year to get A's is every class. Words cannot describe how proud I am of her. Not only has she done well this school year, but managed to land an internship in NY straight out of her freshman year. I am telling you people , this girl is unstoppable once she puts her mind to it.
 I moved her into her college apartment 9 months ago and yesterday I had the pleasure of moving her out. I detest moving, but you pretty much do anything for your kids. Time has definitely flown.

 Packed the jeep started to head out and was blocked in by a truck and trailer. Asking this man to move his truck was apparently the equivalent to having his left arm chewed off. After being yelled at by this man who had many choice names/ words for us ,and speaking to the police { ya that bad} we were finally off. He actually called us F@#$%ing rednecks and he himself was missing teeth. I'll let you ponder that for a second. ;)

What the lil lady didn't know was I was surprising her with getting our "sister" tattoos. It's a line from an E.E. Cummings poem " I carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)". She had done so well this year I couldn't resist but give her this gift. When we pulled up to the shop she flipped out and was so stoked!
The poem has such meaning behind it for us.
I got " I carry your heart with me " She got " ... I carry it in my heart" When we stand next to each other it reads as one line.
So in closing I will leave you with the poem that describes our love for each other that no one really gets, but somehow understands .

I carry your heart with me( I carry it in my heart) 
I am never without it(anywhere I go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
 I fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)
~ E.E. Cummings

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The crazy cut

It's been about a year since I last posted , due to many life changes that have gone on in my family's life. One being separation from my husband of 6 years in August of 2013.  Out of respect for him and our past I won't go into details , but rather start sharing about my journey back to who I was and embracing life . The good, the bad , and the ugly. Because we all know life isn't all rainbows and unicorns .
 Since the separation I've had many highs and lows. During  recovery from a massive life event , most people start on a journey to "a new me". Fact of the matter is there was nothing wrong with the old me. I mean there is always room for improvement , but I was a fun , adventurous , and outing person. I changed all of that for someone to love me and turns out that was no ones fault but my own. So over the past  9 months I've been slowly getting back to who I was , minus the bad parts ;)
 Recently I decided I get an extreme hair cut I've wanted for about two years . I didn't in efforts to please other people. So me being me I said , " it won't hurt anyone or put anyone in danger... I'm going for it". After about a week of rationalizing of why I shouldn't , the pros definitely out weighed the cons. So that Saturday morning I woke up and went to my stylist .

As she started shaving it was so symbolic of a sense of freedom and getting back to who I really am. Wild, crazy and fun loving. I couldn't stop smiling and loving every minute of it!
As the design started to take shape I was over the moon and elated! It sounds like such a miniscule thing to make one happy, but for me it was freedom. Freedom to be me. After being put in a box for SO long, starting from childhood, it was just an amazing feeling.
The finished product was more than just a hair cut , it as a little piece of me coming into the light again.

More designs to come :)