For the First time in Forever

When I was younger I never really experienced or was taught the meaning of  " true love" . So as I grew into my teens and early 20's I was Anna to a tee. I wanted that feeling of unconditional love. I didn't let God lead me to a person who would truly love me for me. I was in relationships for only what the other party could get out of it. Only for what I could give. So I sought and sought and eventually got married . I was married too young. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to be loved. I had no clue about love , relationships or marriage. Just like Anna. She just didn't want to be alone or shut out. I was shut out of so many people's lives that were close to me and were suppose to love me.
So on my wedding day , I probably would've danced down th ailse to,
 " For the first time in for forever
There'll be music, there'll be light
For the first time in forever
I'll be dancing through the night

Don't know if I'm elated or gassy
But I'm somewhere in that zone
Cause for the first time in forever
I won't be alone"

I went through my married life not knowing love til my babies were born. I finally knew what unconditiional love for another felt like and it wasnt from my then spouse. 

Long story short I am in the same position I was in when I was younger , but with more knowledge. Hindsight is always 20/20. I now know what true love is and feels like.

Love is more than infatuation or warm fuzzies. That soon fades.
“Love,” Olaf says, “is putting someone else’s needs before your own." I believe in love at first sight, ( if you know what love truly is) because you instantaneously want to put your partners needs before your own. Doesn't happen for everyone, but it does happen.

I never want to be like the old Anna again and won't be because I have God to fill me with love and my children who bless me everyday with their love , however crazy they may be. Sometimes I do hear that small evil voice say, " your just desperate for love" and I have to turn my mindset around and say, " I know what I want and will not settle til it comes my way. And my life is filled with love, with or without a partner to share it with"

My Baby

I thought my first blog of the year would be most appropriate to dote on my baby and his birthday.

 So 3 years ago this morning I was laying half paralyzed in a hospital bed due to to a botched epidural , vigorous massages of my uterus, peeing in a bed pan, having my blood drawn what felt like every 10 min and down bellows checked every 5 minutes since I was hemorrhaging. None of that matter because my heart was growing more than I could ever imagine and I was in such euphoria (or doped up.. same difference :) }. My second baby boy was born happy and healthy. That is all that was important to me.God saw fit to choose me to be his mother. To me that is such a great honor that will never take for granted or squander as so many women do. He slept in my arms, just looking as perfect as every mother thinks when her baby is born. ( Mom's see perfection ...alien faced or not. :P ) My heart filled with love.... again.

  Over the past 3 years it has seemed like a whirlwind of up and downs just as babies and toddlers should emanate from their tiny souls. The first year with a 2 year old and new born was by far the hardest year and a very big blur. Thank God the photographer in me took WAY to many pictures so I can remember those still life moments how small he was and the giggles and smile he gave during the first 3 years. How he and Isaac bonded so quickly.
 Now he is definitely growing into his own personality and is feisty, strong willed and , for lack of better words, a NUT JOB! lol. He keeps me on my toes and is the best maniac I could ever ask for. He's sweet, tells me I'm beautiful, his kisses are perfection and his hugs make every hurt and bad thing go away.

  My children have never been introduced to Chuckie Cheese. Call it what you will. I was not prepared to open Pandora's box of " I wanna go i wanna go!!! " every time we passed it. Some call it cruel. I call it smart. So for his " real first party" I decided to keep it small and and have it where the creepy mouse resides. He LOVED it! Nothing makes me happier than seeing him and his brother running around like mad men collecting tickets! Everything went smoothly and BEST of all I had to provide no entertainment for the kids (creepy mouse took care of that along with germ ridden games) or clean up (which the party host took care of)! It was the shiz. I was so happy I got to make my baby smile . He deserves all the happiness in the world!!!
 I love you Benjamin Andrew Dunham! You have my heart along with your brother and I pray, with God's help, you continue to be strong and loving and life will never get you down!!!

Love your Mami always and forever!

#theblueeyesthatsaveme