Wishes

A dream is a wish your heart makes

   When you're fast asleep

(Wish I was a daddy's or momma's girl)

       In dreams you lose your heartaches

(Wish I didn't have clinical depression or anxiety)

 Whatever you wish for, you keep

(Wish my good friends would visit)

      Have faith in your dreams and someday

(Wish I didn't have to live paycheck to paycheck)

Your rainbow will come smiling thru

   (Wish I had more family support)

No matter how your heart is grieving

     (Wish I wasn't a single parent)

If you keep on believing

the dream that you wish will come true......

Oh, that clock! Old killjoy. I hear you. Come on, get up, you say, Time to start another day. Even he orders me around. Well, there's one thing. They can't order me to stop dreaming.

 -Cinderella

 

The Big D

 

  I haven blogged in a bit due to being busy and struggling whether or no to write about this subject.
Divorce, more so my story and view on it. In recent situations I feel like I have to write or I'll explode and just air ALL the dirty laundry, which i am trying not to do. I have also had an overwhelming response to what I have already written and how i "get through".So very very tactfully I will write.

I feel when you say " I do" , it's suppose to be forever. In sickness and in health. Til death do you part. Most people think this means physical death. In my situation, it was the death of something else. My marriage. Therefore when someone or something dies, you have to go through a grieving process. In divorce a piece that made you is now dying or dead. An open wound that needs healing. This healing for me is taking a VERY long time. Almost a year now and still not done. Situations keep arising that keep tearing open the wound and making it raw again. Go to's: Crying, Counseling, Rx medication, support system, and wine. Lots of wine!

  I was a product of divorce and NEVER wanted my children to be going through that. . It's so important to let myself go and feel every emotion. It's not wrong to be angry or sad. As long as I'm not there for years. But something that made a apart of me , has died. So grieving as stupid as it sounds is vital.

1. Denial and Isolation: This isn't really happening. Everything will be fine and we will get back together after some time apart. 

This is just a temporary response that brings us through the first wave of hurt.

 

2. Anger: Vulnerability is exposed and we feel we are unprepared for what's up ahead. So we start expressing our fear in anger. We resent the person for causing us pain or not getting their act together for their famly. We feel guilt for this anger, and this makes us even more angry.

 

3. Bargaining: Often trying to regain control

• If only we had sought counseling sooner

• If only I sought help for myself to make myself a better wife…

• If only I had tried harder to make it work

Secretly, we may make a deal with God in an attempt to make it all better when in essence are postponing the inevitable. 

 4. Depression: feeling hopeless, like we can't do this on your own. Missing your other half, or feeling your not a good enough single parent.

5. Acceptance: Reaching this stage does not necessarily mean I have arrived by any means. It simply means I have accepted the wound is healed and is forever part of my body. It will never go away but it doesn't hurt anymore. Situations may arise that scratch at it (ex spouse remarries or starts dating) but all in all the wound will never be as deep as it once was.

  I believe God lead me to the hospital I work at to be my support system. I have never in my life worked with females who were so loving and supportive. I have a "work mom" and my supervisor has been amazing to me . I have it together on FB not because I'm fake , but because it's nobody's business . I also deleted ALOT of people I didn't want in my business should I post something I really needed to at the time. Truth of the matter is I have my weeks not days where I feel helpless and depressed, like I'm not a good enough mom, and I did a terrible thing by not trying harder. I pray (I am by no means a holy roller) try and read the bible , and stay as close to God as I can. It sounds cheesy but through all of it , I know he has lead me to right where I'm suppose to be. I also know deep in my heart I did everything I could to make it work.

  Almost a year later and I am toggling between depression and acceptance.Too many times people don't feel their emotions because the church says you shouldn't be angry or depressed.. Not so, you have to feel and process every emotion that floods you. Other wise you will be stuck and 10 yrs down the road realize you could have been better 10 years ago if you would have just started the healing process sooner. 

 I don't condone divorce, in fact I now know why it says in the Bible God hates divorce. Cause all the pain you go through He never wanted for you. If you are going to go through it through, be sure you go through right. I made 2 steps forward this past week and 1 step back. It's not the end of the world , just a constant learning process. Learning how to be a single parent, learning how to co parent, and learning to accept the things you cannot change.

God grant me serenity.